mydailybread | IC INBOX

[It genuinely is three in the morning when Jean gets this text. Well, more like 3:35.]

I'm on the roof tonight if you need a smoke, and some Moonlacing.

Sorry if I woke you up. Ignore me if you're just trying to sleep.

I wasn't asleep. Give me a few minutes and I'll meet you up there.

[He really hadn't been asleep. There was just a bit too much on his mind, and he'd found himself staring out a too-low window onto an unfamiliar city. Somehow it felt different even from all the motel rooms he'd stayed in. He grabbed his lighter and his new blanket and headed for the roof.]

Sounds good.

[Lio was up top, leaning over the roof's wall, cigarette perched between his fingers as he breathed out a sigh of smoke. He had at least two jackets on, plus a blanket draped over his shoulders. He hated how cold he'd get at night.

When he heard the sound of the roof access door opening, Lio looked over his shoulder, back at Jean. Normally he'd smile when he was happy to see a friend, but he didn't seem like he was in the mood tonight. Instead he just wordlessly held up a hand in a brief greeting, before turning to look back over the city's lights.

A distant siren cried out in the streets, and it made Lio shudder.]

[True to his word, Jean stepped out on the roof a few minutes after he'd texted. He returned Lio's almost-wave, then adjusted his grip on the blanket wrapped around him. It was a soft, fleece thing with moons and animals printed all over it in bright colors. Not really his sort of thing, but he'd needed one and it had been cheap.

He took a spot next to Lio, leaning against the railing, and lit up, waiting until after his first long exhale to speak.]

The view's not terrible, but they sure do like their neon lights here...

[That blanket was kind of adorable, but Lio wasn't going to comment on it. His own was covered in little fire trucks, so it wasn't like Jean was going to feel too out of place.]

Hm.

[Lio hummed in agreement, looking out over the city, from left to right.]

I've never lived anywhere this bright. Or loud. We lived in the desert, far on the outskirts of any city.

[He offered his free hand to Jean as he took a long drag off his cigarette, blowing the smoke down wind before turning back to face him.]

It won't be much, but it's enough to get by, if you want to take my hand.

[Jean took another drag and thought. Lio had said he'd been in a resistance movement. It was probably related to that, but maybe it was probably best not to pry]

That sounds like a big change. I'm from a big city, but it's pretty different from this one.

[After a moment's hesitation he reached over with his free hand and joined it with Lio's. This sort of thing would really take some getting used to... Both the hand-holding and the warm tingle of Chroma.]

Thanks. I guess I'm going to have to get out and socialize, at some point.

[He sighed ruefully.]

[Lio hadn't done much Moonlacing with anyone other than Galo, yet, though Jean wasn't the first to hold his hand. It still made him jump a little when that contact was initiated and that tingling shot up his arm. How it felt so natural with Galo and so startling with anyone else was beyond him.

He shifted his grip on Jean's fingers, making sure to hold tight. It was more effective that way.]

Look on the bright side, you can't be any worse at socializing than me.

[It was meant to be a joke, but the look on Lio's face was still one of melancholy, and the humor in his tone couldn't have even been called half-hearted.]

Sorry, I'm in a bad mood tonight. Probably why I'm already on my third cigarette. [And why he asked for Jean's company.]

[Jean hummed thoughtfully.]

I wouldn't say I'm bad at socializing, exactly... I just don't usually bother.

[That's what Nino had told him, at least, and it was probably true.]

Well, If you run out, I have a few more from home still. Hopefully the ones here are decent.

[He paused to think, and took another long drag. He didn't want to pry but... Well, he was supposed to socialize more, wasn't he?]

Is it something you feel like talking about?

If I didn't feel like talking about it, I wouldn't have invited you up here. [Lio said, with a little sigh. Don't worry Jean, it isn't prying if the guy practically invites you for a one on one.] I guess it more depends on whether or not you want to hear it. I don't want to burden you with my silly problems.

Fair enough.

[Was that supposed to be obvious? Huh.]

I don't mind. I'm used to doing a lot of listening to problems.

[District problems rather than individual problems, of course, but that must still count for something. He offered Lio what he hoped was a reassuring smile.]

[Everything about Jean was relatively quiet and subtle, compared to Lio's typical companion. It was almost jarring, to have someone offer that tiny reassurance, that small smile, rather than the insistent in-your-face concern he'd been growing used to. He couldn't tell if it felt more or less genuine...

Honestly it was probably about the same, just, very different.

Lio shrugged in return, looking back out over the city's skyline as he held Jean's hand tighter.]

It's too quiet in my head for me to sleep all the way through most nights. It's been a bit better since I started sharing a bed with my boyfriend - before that, it was pretty much every night I'd have to come out and smoke. But tonight in particular is hitting me so hard, I'm not sure why, I just...

I lost something important to me, right before I came here. And earlier today I tried taking out my anger and frustration over it by lighting some pitiful little bonfire at the edge of town, and it just made everything feel more raw and empty.

I feel like shit, because I have Galo, and that should be enough. But it isn't. It helps, but it isn't enough.

[Jean listened quietly. He didn't quite squeeze Lio's hand, but he did add a bit more gentle pressure to his grip. He took another drag, breathing out slowly before speaking.]

I don't know what you lost, but I do know a bit about grief. A lot of people make it sound like it's just something that should steadily get easier over time, but that's not how it works at all. One day you'll think it's getting better, then the next it worse than ever before. Sometimes you're angry, sometimes you're just numb...

I can't tell you there's anything that'll make it go away, because there isn't, but it helps to have something to pour your energy into. Just to distract you, even a little bit, from the worst of it... And Galo, too. Even if he can't fix it, he can at least help, especially when you need it most... Just make sure he knows he can lean on you too, if he needs it.

[It still sent a twinge of anger through Jean, knowing now how Nino had had to hide his own pain while he'd helped Jean and Lotta through theirs.]

[Lio mirrored his motion, inhaling deeply, pulling the smoke into his lungs. It gave him a moment to think, to process. He'd never heard Jean use quite so many words, and honestly, he felt pretty undeserving of them. They still only barely knew one another, hardly neighbors, let alone friends.

Still, "grief"... Lio had considered using that word many times to describe how he was feeling. The way Jean put it, it certainly seemed to fit. But it felt so silly, to be feeling grief over.. what? Losing his powers?

It was more than that, though. Lio had said it before, that it wouldn't be so bad if he could still just hear them...]

Galo doesn't need my help. [He said it matter-of-factly, not meaning it to sound selfish.] He's stronger than me - I don't think anything could ever get him down. I'm the one with all the problems. God, if he knew I started a fire...

I don't know Galo, so I'll take your word for it.

[He took another puff and shrugged.]

And if he finds out about the fire you can always just apologize. No one got hurt, right?

[He hadn't heard anything about it, at least, and Lio was acting more hurt than guilty, as far as Jean could tell.]

No. If anyone had gotten hurt, he would've been the first to know about it. I hate hiding things from him, but I don't want him needlessly worrying about me, and I don't want to disappoint him.

[He didn't like to imagine scaring Galo, or upsetting him, with silly things like smoking and starting fires.]

Sorry, you really don't know me either, and I don't want to be burdening you with this. I just... I want to find a better outlet, for all this.

I think everyone needs to vent, sometimes...

[He thought a moment, then heaved a sigh.]

I used to think I didn't, but then I realized my friend was always taking me out and getting me drunk until I spilled everything to him. Just his way of taking care of me, I guess.

I've tried venting. It hasn't helped, either.

[Lio turned towards Jean to furrow a brow at him, though. Going out and drinking sounds like the one unhealthy avenue Lio hasn't tried yet, but he really wasn't much of a drinker regardless.]

... If you didn't even realize what he was doing, was that more for your benefit, or for his? [Not to sound accusatory, but from an outsider's perspective, it seemed more like Jean had been taken advantage of.]

[Jean hummed thoughtfully and took another drag before replying]

Probably a bit of both, I think. It's kind of hard to tell sometimes, when it comes to that guy. [It might have been part of Nino's job, or it might have been personal satisfaction.]

Anyway, like I said, I don't mind listening, and I appreciate the Chroma.

[Well, Lio was glad that Jean didn't seem to bat an eye at him prying like that. He wasn't going to keep pushing his luck on that front, though. It wasn't his business.

Lio leaned down to rest his free arm and his chin on the edge of the building's railing, letting his cigarette smolder between his fingers by his ear.]

The Chroma's the least I can offer after dragging you up here. [He smiked, suddenly, glancing at Jean from the corner of his eye.] Maybe now's a good time to mention I don't think it's strictly allowed for us to be smoking up here. But I doubt anyone's going to catch us, or care.

[Jean turned to look Lio in the eye at that last bit.]

Oh? Well, I promise not to tell if you don't.

[His lips curved up into a slight smile as he tapped a bit of ash of the end of his cigarette.]

Like I said, I'm good at keeping secrets.

[Lio gave a small smile back, lifting a brow at Jean.]

Every time you say that it sounds just a little more sinister, I hope you realize.

[He was starting to question whether or not Jean really was just your typical office worker, in fact, with the way he said that. With a poker face that good, he could be doing taxes for a crime syndicate for all Lio knew.]

Though if you're as loose lipped around alcohol as you claim to be, maybe I should be worried after all.

[Just a small joke, in the hopes of lightening the mood a bit from Lio's earlier dour tone.]

Oh? That's really not how I meant it.

[Though it did make Jean feel a bit, just a little bit, like he might be cooler than he really was. Maybe he shouldn't dispel those notions too quickly.]

Hey, those are really just my own secrets... And I 'm pretty sure it only works for Nino, anyway.

[His voice trailed off on that last bit. This was one place Nino probably couldn't follow him, wasn't it.]

[Lio was going to let Jean live his dream, for now.

His own smile fell just a bit - really only changing from humorous to more melancholy. He didn't think he was reading too much into that, given he'd been right on the money with the last two or three couples he'd made assumptions about. But he wouldn't say it out loud, not directly.]

... If it's any comfort, I've heard time doesn't pass in our own worlds while we're in this place. As much as you may miss him, at least he won't be missing you. Or worrying about your whereabouts, at the very least.

[Jean let his face relax into its default, deadpan expression.]

Telling me my friend doesn't miss me is supposed to be comforting?

[He couldn't help but tease, just a bit.]

[Lio rolled his eyes at him. He wasn't falling for it.]

Don't play dumb, you know what I meant.

[He took another drag on his own cigarette, half forgotten in all the talking. He supposed that was really the point of all the talking, wasn't it? But the burn hitting his lungs helped distract him from the worst of the thoughts.]

I mean... I'm not personally too happy about it, cause apparently we lose our memories of this place if we return back home. And I'd rather not give up what I have here with Galo.

[Jean acknowledged Lio's call out with a small smile before taking another drag himself... They'd lose memories of this place, huh? In that case...]

So even if I find really good bread here, I won't remember it.

[... Was probably not what was important. Whoops. He cleared his throat.]

Mm, yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want to forget. It's an unsettling thought.

[That got a small snicker out of Lio, who raised a brow at him and squeezed on his hand teasingly, but he decided not to comment on it.]

Yes, unsettling, and sad... Even if I manage to heal while I'm here, from all this nonsense, I'll just have to do it all over again back home. And I might make worse mistakes there than I did here.

[He breathed in more smoke, letting it curl from his mouth and nostrils together this time as he closed his eyes.]

I'm at least relatively confident Galo and I will end up together one way or another back home, even if we forget everything that happens here. He wasn't exactly subtle about his feelings.

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